Never Tempt the Gods
10:35 a.m. || 2004-06-15
It has happened. I have done the unthinkable. I posted yesterday morning and said I couldn't wait for the weekend, and that nothing could ruin my week because we were toobing this weekend. Lots of sun, alcohol, near naked girls in toobs... The lazy days of summer, what could be better?
Not two hours after I post yesterday, BAM! Sexual harrassment panda pays me a visit. Today I get called at 5:30 am and am told that I have to help out with a conference on campus. A conference consisting entirely of people over 65 years of age. (Eds. note: It should be pointed out here that I am highly in favor of legal euthanasia of everyone over the age of 70. I'm also in favor of an amendment allowing parents to 'remove' their children from the earth between the ages of 5-8 if it appears they may endanger the future of society, but that's another story for another day). Once I get to work, two hours before I had intended to, I get put on special detail and I have to drive these people around handling their personal errands... going to Luby's, buying Depends, getting their 4,000 prescriptions filled, etc. I'm fine with this because these people killed people so that I could one day type in an online diary in English instead of German. I figure a chauffeur service is the least that I owe them. Not a single one of them even goes incontinent in the seat of my truck, so I figure that's a blessing in disguise. I catch a little break from this, and decide to run to the office to do some of my real work. I'm chatting with this jackass that works downstairs and proceed to run up the stairs, when WHAM! I face plant. It's really more like a double knee plant followed by a moronic slide down the 6 stairs I had managed to go up. I'm not the most graceful person in the world (which is good because I look horrible in a tutu and tights, so my ballet career would not have been pretty), but I have proved upon occassion that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Once I even ran with scissors and managed not to eviscerate myself. Long story short it's only bad because I ripped a hole in the knee of my pants and because it happened right in front of dipshit. Now I'll have to explain to everyone all day why I have a hole in my pants.
Segue into section two of the morning...
Normally I would explain the rough knees by saying something witty and horrible un-PC like, "Well, I was blowing the boss and he got a little rough this morning. I mean, geez, you didn't think I got all of the cushy assignments because I'm good at my job did you?" This usually serves the purpose of shutting people up because it goes to two different levels. Not only does it make a rough fellatio reference, but then it takes a little turn on the homosexual wagon which really makes everyone uncomfortable. Usually shuts people up real fast. However, I have a theory that you can only make one overly dumb, 'that could almost get you fired' statement per day without actually getting fired.
I relish this daily statement. I love my job, but to be honest making fun of someone, putting them in their place, or at least making them very uncomfortable is usually the highlight of my day. I absolutely drool over the possibility of a fellatio/homosexual duality that my klutziness afforded me. I make it all the way to my office without seeing a single soul. I sit down to check my e-mail and BAM!! My second fuck up of the day. One of my friends here at work sent out an 'All Staff' e-mail where she asked if we wanted to buy some of our organizations merchandise. I compose a beautifully smart aleck, and probably slight over the top, e-mail about exactly where she could put her merchandise, and end it with, "but if you can come up with a bacon cheese burger, some fries and a large Dr Pepper I'll be happy to pull around to the second window and pick up my order." Send. Damn. Why did I hit 'Reply to All.' I won't get fired because it wasn't that over the top, but on top of yesterday's visit from Sexual Harrassment Panda I don't think I'll be able to make any fellatio/homo jokes today. What a waste of a ripped pair of slacks.
In honor of my horrible day, let's just think my lucky stars that my fantasy baseball team is doing well. In that vein, a little of my favorite cartoon, 'Get Fuzzy', for your viewing entertainment.
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
10:35 a.m. || 2004-06-15
