Slain Panda and the River Rules
11:12 a.m. || 2004-06-16
Ding dong, the Panda is dead. Which 'ole Panda? Sexual Harrassment Panda.
Damn it's great to know people. ..and more importantly, know people that know people. Without getting into too many details, the slight bit of trouble we got into on monday is over. Something along the lines of I would file similar complaints against Old Crone (which I never said I would, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her) about all the vile discussions she had about my boys. Anyway, all is done and I'm going to try to learn from The Daily WTF. I'll just go outside my nature and instead of running into her every chance I get, just to gloat, I'll leave her alone.
Top that off with the fact that the basketball season is finally over, and this is maybe the greatest day all year. You see, I hate basketball. Hate it at it's most elemental form. Why even try to pretend to be a team sport if you're not going to. I'll save most of my NBA rant for another day, but I will say that I hope Michael Jordan gets a healthy dose of the clap because he's the one that pushed the NBA to the forefront. Him and his damn $150, red, ugly ass Air Jordan shoes. I don't want him to die (I save that for old people and Barry Bonds - another story, another day), just some serious burning when he pees.
Also, we're 1 day closer to the river. We're going to have to tube the Comal because the Guadalupe is at flood stage, but that'll be fine. Here are the list of rules that were sent to our other river goers. We try to keep it pretty simple.
Rule #1: This is a white trash weekend. I don�t care if you are black, hispanic, asian or fat. It�s all white trash all the time. Anytime you get confused, refer back to this rule.
Rule #2: We will be drunk. Every hour of the day. At least I will be. If you don�t like drunk people, don�t come. I have been known to do or say mean, obnoxious, rude things when I am drunk. I have ripped the pants off of people, boys (well, Lyle anyway) and girls alike. I don�t do it to be mean. I do it because I am an asshole. This is why we are having a party, because all of you are ridding yourselves of an asshole. Well, that and damn near all of us have a birthday in the next 3 or 4 weeks. If you don�t have a birthday in the next month, you are a loser.
Rule #3: We are all cheap. Do not suggest at any time during the weekend that we do something that could be construed as expensive. We are here to take advantage of our friends and complete strangers. The more we can take advantage of people the cheaper we get off. Girls, when we are at the bar, flirt with guys (preferably other than us) for free drinks. If he gives you two drinks, bring one of them to one of the boys. You have the �boobs� advantage that we�ll never have, so you are required to share your spoils with us because we have been stricken with a penis (and more than likely a very small one. Well, except BA. That boy�s got a shovel in his pants). We will be going to the Grist Mill for dinner on Friday if anyone wants to join. That is the benchmark. It will be the most expensive thing all weekend. Anything more expensive than that is not allowed.
Rule #4: Following along with Rule #3, do not wear anything expensive on the river. Your sunglasses may cost no more than $6 including tax. Better yet, steal them from WalMart. Sam Walton is dead, so he won�t care. I will more than likely knock them off of your head at some point, so I hope you don�t mind. Again, I don�t do this to be mean, I do it because 5 years in a row I have had them knocked off of me and I figure this is the only way to get even.
Rule #5: Respect the parents. At various points during the weekend we will be interacting with parental influences. Be nice to them because they offer us shelter and love. Most of this interaction will take place at what will soon be known as the Great Juneteenth Festival of �04. Chicken and watermelon will be provided. However, it is BYO40oz. Luckily for all of you, they are used to dealing with me and I am probably the biggest asshole in the entire group, so you should all be safe.
That�s enough rules because I am tired of typing. If something is not covered under these rules, just refer back to Rule #1 and apply it as best you can. If you ask, what should I wear on the river?? Think� hmmmm� a shirt? Acceptable. A shirt with no sleeves? Better. A 1983 OP shirt with the huge, body length holes down the side? Even better. No shirt at all? Perfect. See how easy this is??
We have people coming from all ends of the earth, so here�s the general schedule as best we know it�
Friday June 18
Noon � CS bunch supposedly departs for Gruene, TX
1:30pm � CS bunch actually departs for Seguin, TX because we remember we need to check into our hotel.
5:00pm � CS bunch arrives at Gruene Hall and purchases Reckless Kelly tickets ($12 each!! Let me know if I should buy you one!!)
5:01pm � Sean proceeds to get piss drunk. The rest can do as they please.
6:30ish � Grist mill. Fried meat and fried potatoes. Ummm� good.
8:00pm � Stumble to Gruene Hall (cash only boys and girls!!)
Whatever time they kick us out we go to Seguin and climb into the Texas shaped hot tub.
Saturday June 19 (Happy Juneteenth Dawg!)
Whoever wakes up first stays very, very quiet so no one kills him/her. Once a second person wakes up and you have reinforcements, then you can wake up the rest of us.
Whatever time that is +30 minutes � We load up and head to the Gruene River Co., taking as few vehicles as possible (and possibly stopping for more beer and ice/taquitos on the way). They will take us to the Comal River. We�re going to do two loops on the Comal since it�s only a 1:45 or 2:00 loop.
Whatever time we�re done with that � we go to the hotel and make ourselves as presentable as possible. Then we go to Big Jim & LuClares for some fried chicken. (Don�t stress, we�ll stop en route for the 40�s).
That evening� We�ll take a vote. Charlie Robison in Stockdale or Jason Boland at River Road Ice House. I think Boland makes for a shorter drunk drive but I don�t really know.
Pass out at some point in the evening. Hopefully at our hotel. If not, keep your cell phone on you so we can find your drunk ass. If you end up in jail, my cell phone is XXX/XXX-XXXX. Use that for your one call and we�ll come get you when we�re sober enough that they won�t keep us too.
Sunday June 20
12:00 � Checkout time. The maids usually wake us up about this time. We tell them to go away and they jibber at us in Spanish. I jibber back what little spanish I know, and they get really pissed. Then the manager calls and tells us we�ve gotta go. We go, but only because we wanna leave before he realizes what we�ve done to the room.
After that you�re on your own.
It's gonna be a blast.
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
11:12 a.m. || 2004-06-16
