I could live in a toob down by the Riv-er.
10:11 a.m. || 2004-06-21
I miss Chris Farley. He was funny, and regardless of how bloated I was from feasting on Tex-Mex and beer he always made me feel skinny.
I spent all week last week wrestling with Sexual Harrassment Panda and winning. But I still needed The River to be great, and it did not disappoint. It was simply awesome, there is just no other way to describe it. Of course we had our normal issues. We dumped a couple of toobs going down the chute on the Comal. A couple of people fell out and thought they were going to drown, but if there's anything that I've learned in years of drunken toobing it's that when you are absolutely positive you're going to drown you have like another minute before you actually do, so just calm down and swim. We killed the radio in the first 100 yards of the river, which sucks, but luckily I'm very loud and happen to think I'm funny, so we were still entertained (or highly annoyed if you're one of the million people who think I'm an asshole). Plus, there was six of us and we had 210 beers and 250 jello shots. How could we go wrong? (Side Note: No, we did not drink 35 beers each, although we came close, but we have learned over the years that while you can lure near naked women to your toobs with jello shots, it takes something more substantial for you to keep them there long enough to convince them to get all the way naked.) The weather was awesome although we're paying the price for it today with a bit of a sunburn.
If you read the river rules last week you know there were two overriding themes: 1) That we were to be all white trash, all the time; and 2) That I'm an asshole (which also happens to be one of the funniest songs of all time. Glory be to Dennis Leary). We managed to accomplish both in fine fashion. I now have at least 10 new people that hate me because I made fun of them over a bullhorn that I bought on e-bay last week for the specific purpose of making people far away from me as uncomfortable as the people close to me usually are. I also have three 12 year old kids who think I am the shit because I gave them alcohol ridden jello shots. I will one day be the uncle that gives your kid his first beer and provides him with porn when he's old enough. (Side note: I'm also the uncle that will kick the ever livin' shit out of the first boy that fucks over your daughter. And, I'll get away with it because I know people that can make 'problems' go 'away.')
I was awake all weekend, and drank $150 worth of beer (at $17 for a 30 pack) so there is more to come, but first I have to work a little bit so I can afford to do it again next weekend...and the next...and...
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
10:11 a.m. || 2004-06-21
