Fat, Sunburned and Drunk
8:15 a.m. || 2004-06-22
...IS the way to go through life. And if you don't believe it, you weren't on the Comal with us on Saturday. I still don't have the pictures thing going exactly right, but we'll get 'em soon enough. This'll be the last time I rub the 'we went to the river and you didn't' thing in your face (at least until it stops raining and we can go back again, July 4th here we come!). We jumped out of bed about 9:00, ran to Taco Cabana and ate the crap out of tortillas, enchiladas, beans, rice and salsa and then ran to HEB to try to buy all of the beer they had. Turns out we only spent about $150 (that's about 300 beers) because that's all we had room for in the coolers. Plus most of us are really fat and lazy and don't like to carry heavy shit very far. 300 full beer cans weigh a lot. If you want to know exactly how much, go get a fucking beer and weigh it. Then multiply it by 300. I'm not doin' it for you. The great news is, once you get to the river it all floats in a toob, and you don't have to carry anything anymore.
Like I said yesterday, we had a little incident at the toob chute where we almost drowned 3 of our party and more importantly, we lost the radio (if any of you find a radio at the bottom of the Comal, keep it and consider it my little gift). Seems that the toob chute isn't quite wide enough for 24 toobs to fit through at one time and as soon as we got on the river I had done my damndest to tie all the alcohol and all the girls to my toob. Luckily the people that almost drowned were all boys, and boys don't usually do it for me. Plus, I'm not very attractive, so the more boys I can kill, the less people I have to compete with for the ladies. Shhhhh!!! They don't know, but I tried to kill them on purpose (hey, they'd already paid their $$, so what was I to lose but a couple of friends?). Okay, well maybe these two are too entertaining to go out like that (plus they are even fatter &/or uglier than me), so we saved them.
The rest of the trip was splendid (yes, I know 'splendid' is a gay word, but I often throw in gay words to try to keep people off kilter a little. I find it works fabulously well if you say that while pinching their nipple or rubbing their hair a little). Great sunshine, perfect water conditions and a nice lazy float. But, in retrospect I suppose this is why we come to the river:
Hmmm... let's see... sexy, wet women, shotgunning beer. Yep. Works for me!
After some time to dry off (notice I did not say 'dry out' because we continued to stay well lubricated) it was off to a buddies house for a little Juneteenth celebration! Fried Chicken, kale, cornbread and watermelons! UmmUmm Good! Washed down of course with a little bit, say 40oz. or so, of cool refreshing Colt .45! A little Billy Dee in a can if you will.
Then it was back to the bar to watch Jason Boland play at the River Road Ice House. We had a great time, ran into a drunk guy that I had met the night before and he let me call the shots. 1/2 rumpleminze-1/2 goldschlager please!! It's like an alcoholic, liquified altoid and it kicks ass. Then I got bored, wandered around, convinced the security guard that I was with the VIP party (always tell them that you are supposed to meet a 'Jen' or an 'Amy.' Every party has one of these two people) and ended up upstairs. Turns out that the VIP party was made up of women's college volleyball players and a batchelor party. It also turns out that I like six foot tall women. I should go back and kiss that security guard for letting me in.
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
8:15 a.m. || 2004-06-22
