I am the Devil Incarnate.
8:19 a.m. || 2004-07-09
It's Friday morning and I am on the ball! The left one actually... Ouch! I'll be damned if I ever sit like that again.
Two things have occured in the last 14 or so hours that have reminded me that while many, many people love me (and a few find me sexy) I may well be the devil incarnate. As I was hanging around last night making 300 Jell-O shots to take with us to the river, I had the TV on in the background and without really noticing, South Park ended and The Graham Norton Effect started. I have never seen this show before but since I was too busy pouring vodka into my head (and of course a little in the jello) I didn't bother to change the channel. Turns out that Graham is pretty funny. He's a very limp wristed swishy talking fellow (See: British), but unlike most of the Assclown british 'entertainers' we usually get to see (See: Pudgy Hugh Grant) he amuses me a great deal. His sense of humor is slightly grotesque and over the top, and that's the way I prefer my humor. Anyway, to get to the point. He was interviewing someone from the movie X-2 and getting into the mutant theme, he asked the audience members if they had any extreme talents. One of the guys in the audience claimed he could pee 15 feet into the air!! That's impressive enough, but it took me back to Devil Incarnate Situation #1. A few years back we had a friendly game of poker with the boys at a friends apartment and the neighbors called the cops on us 3 times. We never were doing anything wrong, they were just being bitches (and by bitches I mean puss spewing gonorrhea infested asshats because it was really 2 guys and 1 girl and I don't want to spoil the purity of the word 'bitch'). I decided after visit #3 (when we still hadn't gotten a ticket because we truly weren't doing anything wrong) that I'd give them a little what for. So I proceed to walk across the porch and cover their door in piss from top to bottom. What I didn't know was that they were watching out the peep hole while I was doing it (at least they were trying, because the peep hole was my aiming point, so I figure at least 50% of the time it was covered in liquid and they were unable to see out). Here is where my glorious sense of timing kicks in and I decide it's time to go home. Okay, so really it was no great decision on my part, but we had run out of beer and I had run out of money, so it was probably more like dumb luck. When I got home, the phone was ringing, so I figured that I had left something or stolen something that they wanted me to bring back. Nope!! Wrong! They were almost crying laughing into the phone because the cops had come back. They wanted to know who urinated on the neighbors door... and why. My buddy Rick told them that it was me and that I'd already left. The neighbors chose this time to intervene and they pointed directly at Rick and said, "He did it. It was definitely him." Rick might not have the longest fuse ever and he went ballistic. Now as I talk on the phone and get ready for bed, it appears that Rick is cleaning the neighbors door with a wash cloth. VERY THOROUGHLY as the neighbors and cops watch the proceedings. Come to find out I got a little all the way to the ceiling (that's 8'6" and a personal record). I've gotta remember that I still probably owe Rick a case of beer or at least some smokes.
I told you there were two events, but I've got a lot of work to do today, so Devil Incarnate Situation #2 will have to wait until Monday. It's a short day for me today because I (and 400 other Aggies) will descend upon New Braunfels, TX this evening in order to embark on the 2004 Howdy Club Toob Trip. It's our little way of giving back to the kids (no, really! Scholarships, baby!)... Wanna know what we'll be doing? Check out some pictures from past events. I'm even in a few of those if you care to take a guess as to what I look like.
Hope y'all have a good weekend!
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
8:19 a.m. || 2004-07-09
