Hi. I'm an amateur alcoholic.

Am I odder than you? Probably not.
10:02 a.m. || 2004-07-22

(Eds. Note: I apologize for the randomness of today in advance. I can only hope that it will allow me to clear the fog from my wee little brain and allow me to accomplish certain objectives at work. Maybe it'll make tomorrow's entry better as well. But probably not. Again, my condolences to you for reading this.)

In order to help you understand me a little better (something, by the way, that only the mentally retarded have had any reasonable success in doing) you have to understand what a lazy ass enigmatic fucktard I am. I somehow manage to be infinitely complicated and overly simple all at the same time. As such, I have two completely different sets of friends. I have my gay friends, I have my shit kicker friends; I have my martini's & scotch friends, I have my shotgunning Natty Light friends; I have my press corps dinner at the Capitol friends, I have my bury a goat in the ground and eat cabrito for a week friends... I'm a weird boy. I have probably 100 t-shirts that are so comfortable it's insane and yet I own two tuxedos and 12 suits that I think I look kick ass in. I have shoes for every occassion (C'mon, let the feyg comments fly!). In that respect I probably make Chadly look like a gladiator by comparison.

As such a complicated simpleton, it just occurred to me that I probably do not have a fully functioning brain. Freud once said that the human brain is like an iceberg with only 1/7 of itself showing above the waterline. I'm pretty sure my iceberg looks the same as everyone else's above the surface, but I'm pretty sure that's at least 2/3 of my total brain mass. These are some of the thoughts that have run through my head in the past 12 or so hours...

- I wonder when was the last time I wet the bed?
- Consequently, I wondered... When will I next wet the bed? Now I'll fixate on this until I do wet the bed.
- When watching South Park and hearing the following line: Kyle, "It's no fair, Cartman's fatter than the goal is big!" Cartman, "Hey, I'm not fat I just have a great hockey body." I think to myself, I wonder if that is Judd's way of dealing with his weight issue? Maybe I should take up hockey again and try netminder for a change so that I don't have to watch my diet.
(Eds. Note#2: Speaking of Judd he's at 98 people listing him as a favorite. Two of you schmucks need to sack up and add him to your list so he can hit triple digits.)
- Why in movies do the actors always kiss by leaning their head to the left. I am not ambidextrous in the kissing department. I am a right head leaner all the way, and if a girl is a left head leaner, it just doesn't set right with me. Oh, I can go left as long as I start right, but unless we're sitting in an extremely awkward position, I have to start right. It's who I am.
- After reading through some student organization applications, one question in particular struck me as funny and made me look like a serial killer. The question was: "What is currently on your nightstand?" My answer (and it's been nice knowing all of you since you'll never come back): Small black lamp, an alarm clock, a bible, a stolen Denny's carafe full of change, a glass of water, 2 condoms and a 9mm pistol.

It also just occurred to me that I make faces while I type. I actually make the face that I would were I actually saying these things to you in person. Then I briefly make the face that I think you would make in reaction. Since at least 4 or 5 of you read this, it takes a while longer because I'm quite certain that Autumn and Hairburner don't make the same face, so I have to make them both, in succession.

I also have to make one small addition to yesterdays column (as if I'm getting paid to write in a newspaper or something). The beautiful Miss Bethany Jo has apparently taken great offense at my mention of her as an attention whore. I'll allow you to be the judge and jury on this one and decide our dispute for us. Consider it a non-televised episode of the People's court. The plaintiff (Bethany) is suing me for libel because I (the defendant) have called her an attention whore. My evidence....?? #1 We are all attention whore's because we post an online diary; #2 (in my loud and persistent Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinnie voice) WHAT KIND OF NON ATTENTION WHORE WEARS AN 'I LOVE CUNNILINGUS' SHIRT TO A LESBIAN LOVE PARADE!; and if that doesn't do it, take a peek at (#3) these pictures! A hannibal mask with your hand on that boy's wee sprinkler?? I rest my case your honor(s).

Later...

Older Lies||Younger Lies

Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31

10:02 a.m. || 2004-07-22