It is time to put a new statute on the books.
9:58 p.m. || 2004-12-08
For a much needed study break I decided to run to Bucky's, a Lawrence original with greasy burgers, greasy fries and, lucky me, half price drinks tonight!
I left with a double meat bacon cheeseburger (no tomatoes please), a large order of fries, a large Dr Pepper (no '.' after the 'Dr' please) and a renewed sense that we don't have enough government in the country.
Yep. You read it right. I said it. An out of the closet Republican saying that we need bigger government. At least in this particular area.
Hmmm... What area might that be you are asking? Food Safety? OSHA? It's killing you I can tell... Well..., here goes. We need a new Department of...
Personal Imagery.
Yep. A Department of Personal Imagery, or DOPI for short. No fun acronyms on this day. Nope. This is too serious of an issue.
I can see you have more questions, so I'll move it along. What, pray tell, might DOPI do for society?? They would set aside rules and regulations for how you interact with other human beings, and would determine which other humans you could interact with. Most of the people on earth get this concept now, but it obviously needs a little tweaking.
Think back with me for a moment... When you were in grade school, if you tried to hang out with a boy/girl (hey, we don't make judgments here!) that was too good looking for you, what happened? He/She laughed at you, their friends laughed at you and you went and cried in the bathroom, right? (If you don't remember this, see if you can remember laughing at someone and that someone committing suicide a short time later.) If you tried to hang out with guys that were more athletic than you, they beat you up and stuffed you in a locker. I know this brings back rough memories for some of you, but it's the way the world works at it's most basic elemental form.
So it's simple. We have to have a way to rate people. Not a wolf-whistle if you're "do-able" sytem. No, a hard line, written down rating. 1 to 10. I think we can put it on your drivers license. If you can't get a license, you can't get a rating. If your license gets suspended, so is your rating. While it's probably not readily apparent right now, this will carry harsh consequences. Harsh enough that it will cut down on DUI's I assure you.
I mention drivers licenses and embrace the beauracracy of the DMV for this purpose for two reasons.
1) They are already great at wasting time, and the red tape that this will require is right up their alley; &
2) They are the perfect people to rate our attractiveness/worthiness.
I mean, compared to DMV workers, we're all pretty fuckin' stellar, no? So no one can complain about their rating. If you get an 8, hey, you probably only deserved a 7, but you're happy! If you get a 2... Wow, how did you ever find the DMV in the first place because you are severely mentally & physically challenged.
This system will not only place a 1-10 on your license, it will also define how (and more importantly with whom) we interact in society. Why? Because the rating system will carry a "+/- 2" factor with it. Meaning, simply, that you can interact with people who rate higher or lower than you by no more than 2. This way you don't have to deal with total cretins, and you keep yourself out of harms way by having your ego crushed by a 9 when you are clearly no more than a 6. Ladies, it so happens you're a 9 and this guy is harrassing you at the bar? Ask for his rating and kick his 5 ass right to the curb.
It's not meant to be an ego sapping thing though... Imagine those days when you look like total ass... You have to run to the store for some DayQuil and decide to go in your PJ's... I mean, hey, you'll just zip in and zip out, right? Bam!! There's the girl/guy of your dreams... Normally this is a crushing blow that would encourage you to quadruple the suggested dosage of your chosen over the counter 'daytime, sniffling, sneezing, trade your ass for your head' medicine, but NOT TODAY! No, no! I have goverment verified proof that while I may currently look like a 4 I am, in fact, a 7!! Look Mr./Miss DreamBoat! I'm a 7! In like Flynn...
The biggest factor of all however is that without this number you will not be allowed to have sex. Yep! No nookie for the unrated. Why? Simple, because we're going to use the rating process to screen out the lower end of the gene pool and keep them from reproducing. Here's where the story comes full circle. While in Bucky's grabbing my burger/fries/drink, I see a whole pillaging horde of humanity that was clearly from same the genetic line. Brothers/Sisters Gone Wild was filmed in their house, I assure you. If you were to have rated the parents it might have gone 2/3 or maybe 3/2 but either way it was bad. As you typically find with 2/3 parents, they had 437 children. All in the 1.5-2.7 range themselves. This is bad for society. For all of us. Even for them.
So... what do we do about this? Simple, we implement the next step in the DOPI hierarchy. If your number (as the sexee) and his/her number (as the sexor) do not add up to at least 11 you CANNOT HAVE SEX. Period. Seriously... 11 isn't very high. One person could potentially be a 10. So all you have to do is get to 11 as a couple. A 6 & a 6?? You're there! 5 & a 6?? Bingo! 4 & a 6?? Whooaaa there buddy... Who let you out of the carnival? Back in your cage... You could embrace in a little self-lovin' if you need to, but no loving on other people.
Believe me, it's in the best interest of all of us.
In other news, I heard this quote today and had to share it:
"Well, it's better to have a drippy dong than to be in a position to know that another man has a drippy dong."
I kid you not. Hell, I'm not smart enough to make up shit like that.
But isn't that going to be fun on Google?
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
9:58 p.m. || 2004-12-08
