I have a challenge for WTF!
3:11 p.m. || 2004-12-13
Okay, so Ms. DailyWTF likes to brag that she might be surrounded by the trashiest people/family in the entire Universe. This may be true, but today I have received a tid-bit of news that it simply too good not to share. And by "good" I mean that it is so ridiculously insane that all of humankind needs to hear about it so they can be amused. Plus, it'll make you feel better about your family and friends.
I received an e-mail from my Dad this morning entitled "Twins" so naturally I was hoping for some hot girls in bikinis that had been swiped from a Coors Light commercial somewhere. At the very least, it should be the Barbee sisters, or some related natural phenomenon. Why did I jump to this conslusion?? Because my Dad is a dirty old perv. In other words, he kicks ass. And while he isn't as selective in regards to pseudo-porn as I am, I usually get a kick out of what he sends.
At this point, the story begins to spiral out of control, so I'll do my best to explain it fully...
Like many American families, my clan has been ravaged in the past 10 years by a rash of divorces. What you probably don't know is that I, freaky little small-penised troll that I may be, am basically the genetic apex of my line. Below me you'll find various and sundry challenged personalities. Oh, sure, they look fine on the outside, and some of them can even carry on a decent conversation about real subjects such as literature, politics or sports, but most of them seem to have some major defect hidden down deep within them. One particular branch of our family tree seems a bit suicidal (albeit unsuccessful at these attempts). It's this branch that we focus on today.
The two main characters in today's story we'll call Patti & Kristi (in light of the fact that their birth certificates read Patti & Kristi, this seems fitting). Patti & Kristi are sisters, and cousins of mine. I've hated them almost since birth. We knew at a young age that they were going to make great whores. Because, well... they started having a lot of sex with a lot of people at about the age of 13. Yep. No shit. Whores. We did what all good southern families do. We ignored the problem, and did our best to distance ourselves from this hillbilly little branch of our family in hopes that the problem (or at least the people) would simply go away. But it turns out that being stupid and a whore does not deter you from being persistent, and so they have continued to show up at family outings even when they weren't invited. It was clear that we had a mole in the family that would leak critical top secret information, because even though we began to move outings from place to place, they never failed to show up. Thanksgiving in College Station? Bingo. Right on time. Christmas in Amarillo? Howdy folks! We're here bearing open arms to accept your gifts... It was failed avoidance after failed avoidance...
I only tell you that story in order to tell you this one... I've basically distanced myself from most of my family over the last decade or so, in an attempt to make a normal life for myself. Thankfully, this has placed me far outside the family gossip loop, and so I'm usually the last one to know about our daily soap operatic activities, but here is what I discover this morning in an e-mail from my Dad (and I quote):
"Howdy! Hope all is well in Kansas! I know you've gotten some snow but the weather has been pretty warm down here. Thought you might enjoy this story though. It'll make you feel better about being in Kansas and away from home. You're youngest cousin Kristi got married last month. Just a JP affair, nothing big. She married a guy that she and her sister have been dating for awhile. Evidently it was quite the fun time for him (I think he must be retarded). Patti & Kristi have been living together, so he would sleep with whichever one of them he had a 'date' with that night. After a period of time, if he wasn't making progress with one, he would simply get up and change bedrooms in the middle of the night in hopes of scoring some action. Finally, he decided that Kristi was the one he wanted to be with, but he couldn't resist one last tryst with Patti. As luck would have it he got a little drunk and hit her with both barrels, so in addition to the wedding news I have baby news too. While Kristi was married last month, Patti had his twin daughters a few weeks ago. How's that for a XXXXXX family saga??"
Did you understand it all?? Don't feel bad if you missed some. Here is the Cliff's Notes version: Little sister stole the boy from older sister and married him, but not before older sister got one last hurrah, and became pregnant with his twin daughters. WooHoo! Welcome to life in my clan.
While I could probably search for 2 minutes on the internet and find a picture of other twins, here are the actual children of which I speak.
Welcome to our little family Hope & Faith (<-- I shit you not)!
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Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
3:11 p.m. || 2004-12-13
