Wanna know how to scare your ex?
12:20 p.m. || 2005-03-12

I recently received a phone call from an ex. 'Ex' isn't really even the right word. It was more like a series of drunken hook-ups over about a month. Since those things very rarely ever end well, when she called I simply didn't answer (what did we do before caller ID?). I figured if it was truly important, she'd leave a message, and sure enough I was right.

While it hasn't started off great, this is where it goes bad... On the message, you could tell that she didn't want to be calling. In a halting, broken voice she said, "Ummm... Joe, this is (insert your favorite 'ex' name here)... Umm... I really need to talk to you. It's important, so please don't ignore this message."


That can't be good.

I do the mental math... Hmmm... that was during football season... first home game... that'd make it September. October, November, December, January, February, March... 6+ months. Yet when I ran into her two weeks ago she was still about a size two.

Don't you dare sit there and judge me. Nearly all of us have either made or received one of these phone calls and while it sucks to return the call, I can't even imagine how hard it is to dial the number the very first time.

I figure that took balls on her part, and seeing no way that I could ignore it and make it go away I decide to call her back and face the music.

When she answered the phone, she made a feeble attempt at small talk then finally just gave it up and said, "Let me cut right to the chase."

My testicles crawled up into my throat.

She continued by saying, "I recently found out I have gonorrhea and I thought you should know." My first thought was that she was accusing me of giving her an STD. What a bitch. But then, no accusation followed. My second thought, "What are the syptoms of gonorrhea?" Hell, I don't know. I've never had an STD (and I've been checked!). At this point I really lost coherent thought... thoughts of my poor 'lil penis falling off simply shut down the entire system.

The entire conversation couldn't have taken more than 3 minutes, but it seemed like at least a half-hour. I was really so confused at this point that I couldn't form a complete sentence so I simply blurted out, "Who did you get it from?", as if it was any of my business. I think it was my only way of clearing my good name...

Her answer? "Oh, this guy I met a month ago."

BANG! Everything snapped back into place. "Are you fucking telling me that I sweated all day and then had to call your ass back for you to tell me that you had an STD and you wanted to warn me because I might have gotten something 6 months ago that you just got in the last month!!"

Okay, so it might not be a sentence that my high school english teacher would have preferred, but it came boiling out of me before I had a chance to properly write it down and diagram it for its efficiency.

Ladies (and gentlemen) let me explain how this works. You cannot contract STDs retroactively. If you have something when you have sex with someone else, then you can give it to them. If that happens you should warn them that they might want to get checked. However, just because you get an STD you DO NOT have to call everyone you've ever had sex with and scare the shit out of them! That is NOT cool!

So, it turns out she's a bitch, which I already knew, but she got her revenge for last fall and I hope she's happy now...

Older Lies||Younger Lies

Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31

12:20 p.m. || 2005-03-12


I'm 28, tired of working and avoiding the real world by returning to school to seek advanced degrees.

College Athletics and the Great Outdoors


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