I have a small penis.
3:03 p.m. || 2004-06-28
I use this title to point out that I have a self deprecating sense of humor. If you haven't gotten that yet, you either A) Haven't ever read my column before (So Welcome! Wilkommen! Bienvenido! Bienvenue!); or B) You're retarded and don't even know what the word 'deprecating' means, and in that case go look at the funny monkeys. It'll at least amuse your dumb ass for awhile. Now on to the real story.
I'm not going to rehash the weekend for you blow by blow. I didn't do anything overly exciting. I got drunk. I made fun of my friends. It's what I do, and it pleases me. However, I'm walking on thin ice today. If you've read any of this diary before you know I occassional say or do things that I shouldn't. Things that might be deemed inappropriate, but these things are often very funny. Today people are trying not to say these things to me. Why, you might ask? Because it appears that I have jizz on the crotch of my britches. As I was partaking in a lovely lunch break at our neighborhood Subway, doing my crossword and reveling in the glory of Bucky Katt I zoned out. Just sorta here one minute, gone the next. Good news is, I was sitting in a little wooden booth. Not too many opportunities to harm the community there. Bad news however is I was eating a Spicy Italian sandwich with gobs of mayo and spicy mustard on it. It slipped right out of my hands. How the hell do you drop a sammich? I've NEVER dropped a sandwich when I actually had it in my hand. Oh sure, off a plate maybe, but in your hand?? Here's where my 18 years of school boy athletic training works to my disadvantage. My brain immediately snaps my thighs together as if I was a 12 year old girl at R.Kelly's arraignment. You see, it appears that unlike my good friend Judd, I have a very small 5-hole. The remainder of my sandwich (you know, the back part where all the excess mayo and mustard have been squished to, the really good part) is now firmly clutched between my thighs. My first thought is, damn Andy Moog woulda been proud. My second thought is, damn, if this wasn't me it woulda been really funny. So we wait for the jokes to begin... and they don't. Seems word has leaked out about my little spat with Sexual Harrassment Panda last week and everyone is trying to mind their P's & Q's. Whew!, I think to myself. And then with an evil little grin I re-think... I wonder exactly how much they can take before they crack. So instead of hiding and trying to make it through the day seeing as few people as possible, I go out of my way to get noticed. I find a reason to visit every single office and I solicit not one single response. I am disappointed. I feel deprived. And then, to my rescue, comes the BIG boss. Not my boss. No, no. My boss', boss', boss. THE boss. He knows I'm leaving soon to go back to school and he thanks me for all my hard work over the years. Then he says, "You know when we hired you some people said you might have a little too much 'fun' away from work and might embarrass us. People stood up for you and you always made us look good in our decision." I waited for the other shoe to drop and it didn't, so I told him, "Thank you very much. I really appreciate that."
He smiled and shook my hand and as I walked away remarked, "But, uh, tomorrow, confine that to the shower and wear some cleaner pants, okay?"
Man I love this job, and I'm gonna miss these people.
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
3:03 p.m. || 2004-06-28
