Hi. I'm an amateur alcoholic.

All Sports, All the Time!
8:51 a.m. || 2004-07-07

Unfortunately for me, I had to act like a man yesterday. I had to dig postholes for a new fence, set all of the posts in concrete and chop down two trees clearing the fence line (oh, and fix a step, but that was just because my fat ass broke it in the first place). What does this mean to you? It means that I have had a huge f'in influx of testosterone, so today is going to be all about sports.

And we're going to begin with women's tennis! Why? Well because it doesnt' suck as bad as men's tennis (and I play tennis, so don't even jump on me about the state of men's tennis! Fact is, there are no rivalries, so it sucks.). Want another reason?? Here you go...

This is your new Wimbledon Champion! Her name is Maria Sharapova and she's 17 (legal in nearly every state in the US!!). She just overpowered and humiliated a woman(?) that I've been certain for years was just a man with his penis tucked back. She's beautiful and athletic. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for a role model for your daughter, here it is! Not some waifish, finger down her throat actress. No, a 6'1", 125mph serving blonde who speaks three languages fluently. The WNBA may suck, but women's tennis and golf have got it together. They finally figured out that you can be sexy and athletic all at the same time.

Also, Eric Gagne deserves a round of applause from the peanut gallery. He converted 84 consecutive save situations before finally blowing one on Monday (and his team still won the game). That took place over 23 months!! And last night he jumped right back into the groove and picked up another save. #1 in the new streak! I pitched for 16 years, so that is something I can truly appreciate. Kudos to Gagne, even if he is Canadian.

And lastly, while I don't believe it's a sport, I suppose we should talk about Lance a little bit. I mean, he is a Texan and he's not riding a bike, he is riding Sheryl Crow so you have to get some bonus points for that. Riding through the French countryside with a bunch of guys in super tight spandex doesn't really sound like a sport to me, but I don't think it makes you a feyg (I only threw that in for you people who bitched at me for my use of it yesterday, so fuck off!). Plus, winning anything six straight times when half the spandex-wearing people in the world are trying to beat you has to be a pretty big accomplishment. Then again if a bunch of wiry little guys wearing spandex were chasing me, I'd probably be able to ride like the wind too. I had a dream like that once and let me tell you, it was NOT pretty!

In the world of football, I'd like to point out once again that most college football players are morons! They have the opportunity to get the same education that we do, and they get it for free! Most of the rest of us schmucks have to pay $40,00-100,000 for the privelege, and we don't get near the poonanny that they do. But nooo... They gotta go and fuck it up. Can't leave well enough alone can they. Today's idiot? Marcus Vick. Younger brother of the fabulously talented Michael Vick. Let's count Marcus' three strikes: 1) He had sex with a drunk 14 year old girl. (<--What's bad for R. Kelly is bad for Marcus Vick.)
2) He bought the booze and gave it to to the young ladies in order to get them drunk. (which ended in a 30 day jail sentence)
3) He got stopped doing 86 in a 65. This I can understand. I too like to put the pedal to the medal. What? There's more?? Oh yeah, he happened to be carrying enough weed on him (not counting what was already in his lungs/bloodstream) to get another 14 year old harem higher than a mothafucka.
Nice goin' slick! Good thing your brother is richer than sin because he's talented and was able to keep his nose clean. That way he can afford to pay your way in and out (and in and out...) or rehab for the rest of your life. This also brings up another issue that we should discuss here... What the hell kinda school is Virginia Tech?? Do they not have girls?? As a football player at VT, do you not pull wool?? I know that if I decided I had to get laid tonight, I could make it happen, and I should point out that I am very rarely confused with any of our football players. Why the hell you gotta go takin' it out on some 14 year old girl?? I feel sorry for your lack of game.
At this point, I'd like to point out a website I found the other day. When you're feeling bad because you did something stupid, go visit BadJocks.com. It'll make you feel better about yourself, I promise.

On the hockey front, the only real news is that the Colorado Nordiques...Avalanche have decided to hire the coach of the only team they regularly beat like step-children to be their new coach. Too bad they didn't fire their own coach first. The Avs suck. I'm glad Bourque got his ring, but now they're screwed. Welcome to Sucksville guys. Sincerely, the Dallas Stars.

Okay, and one little side note from outside the world of sports... While I think Edwards was a great choice for VP (or at least the only choice that might help a dope like Kerry win the election, plus he's really pretty!), why would you ever pick someone that just 3 months ago you lambasted for "being in diapers when I was serving in vietnam" and "too horribly inexperienced to consider a leadership role in this nation." C'mon guy, get your story straight! Oh wait... that's right, you haven't gotten a story straight yet.

Later...

Older Lies||Younger Lies

Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31

8:51 a.m. || 2004-07-07