Ever end up in an awkward situation?
1:28 p.m. || 2004-07-20
Well, I gave you the recap of the weekend yesterday, but I was pressed for time (as I am today) so unbeknownst to you, I broke the bestest story off and saved it for today.
I should probably begin the story by telling you that I'm a bit of a Whoor. That is to say, that I CANNOT get paid for sex, and honestly I very rarely get sex at all, but I will get drunk and mug with random people like a beast. I am aided in this quest by the fact that I live in a town with 45,000 drunken college students, most of whom are close enough to my age that I don't feel too bad about these random muggings. Plus, while I live in aforementioned College Town, USA, and my office also happens to be here, I do not actually do any of my work here, so there is little or no chance of awkward work situations. They do happen from time to time, but they are apparently no less awkward (and oftentimes far more) for her, so usually neither of us says anything and we simply go our separate ways. Very simple, neat and tidy. I don't want to date you, you don't want to date me, but that raspberry flavored lip gloss looks very yummy, so I'm going to have a taste. Period. That's usually how it goes. Plus, I'm a good kisser, so nobody really bitches too much.
This weekend was a little different scenario. You all know that we stayed in a one room old rock schoolhouse with 10 people crashed all over the floor like Jonestown, the day after. What I didn't mention is that on Saturday, Mrs. ICookTheBestWafflesEver was joined by her mother and two sisters. They showed up about 12:30 pm, and we were expecting them, but they had obviously been warned about me because as they walked up the porch and spotted me, they asked, "So...you drunk yet?" Me, with a pile of 11 cans scattered around my feet replied, "Hmmmm.... Let's see... 1, 2, 3....10, 11... Nope! We've got about 15 more beers to go before we get there." I think it is semi-obnoxious/witty. They appear to agree with the obnoxious part. Then I make eye contact with the older sister. BAM! Mutual Instant Recognition! Damn. But from where?? I'm not sure, but she sure looks confident about why she knows me. A past hook-up? That would be awkward with her Mom here. Noooo... Don't think that's it... I search back through that old mental rolodex that I keep in my brain. It's sorta like those big ass file cabinets that God uses in Bruce Almighty, but I'm stupid so I can only remember a little, so I put it on a mental 3X5 card (and have about 8 square inches of space still blank). Whirrrrr.... ding! Possible match at the Dry Bean. Nope, search some more... whirrr... ding! Possible match at Hurricane Harry's. Nope, search some more whirrr... No more possible matches in the "Make Out" Rolodex. On to the "Sean is an Ass" Rolodex. Whirrrr... DING, DING, DING! We have a 100% complete match.
Back about 4 years ago, I was living with a bunch of college students (aka: drunk friends who don't have to get up and go to work at 8am every day). This one particular Thursday evening, I am trying to go to bed early because I have to drive to Corpus Christi at 4:30 am for business. This means that Sean wants sleep. Now. Invariably this also means (and it is doubled since it is a Thursday night) that my Asshat roommates will get very drunk. And very loud. And very non-understanding about my NEED for sleep.
I went to bed about 8 pm and everything was rocking along pretty good until about 11:30. It was at this point that AssmunchWestTexasIFuckSheepForFun roommate comes home (in reality he's one of my bestest friends and this is truly what I call him) with a sheep in tow. This sheep turns out to be the most obnoxious girl in the world. Who decides it would be funny to jump up and down on my bed. I decide it would be funny to calmly and tactfully scream obscenities at her and suggest to roommate that he should remove DumbDrunkBitch from my room before I shoot her in the face. The last time I shot one of his drunken lays in the face I made him clean up the mess, so he whisks her outside by the pool. The pool just so happens to be right outside my window. It also happens to be December, so I don't think these poolside antics will continue for very long, so I decide to wait them out. And wait... and wait... and DumbDrunkBitch starts knocking on my window and asshat roommate pulls her away... and she does it again, and I remind her very nicely that I have no qualms about shooting her in the face at close range if she interrupts my sleep again. Which of course she immediately does. Unfortunately for her, my roommate had anticipated that she would do this and whisked her off to the edge of the pool. I come stumbling out of bed in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs and a mean snarl, stomp right out to the edge of the pool, and kick this bitch right in the ass. Not a from the bottom to the top, I'm a weenie little placekicker kick... Rather a pull your knee into your chest and thrust your foot out and into her ass like a pissed off sleep deprived ninja, sending DumbDrunkBitch hurtling into the 35 degree water headfirst. She took her coat, her clothes, her purse, her cell phone and any chance that AssmunchWestTexasIFuckSheepForFun roommate would get laid right into the water with her.
She was pissed. He was more pissed because like me he does not often find a girl drunk enough to sleep with him. I was vindicated. I told her I hoped that she drowned, knowing that I had kicked her into the 4 foot area and she could stand up at any time made me only a little sad. I slept the sleep of a deeply satiated man. Post coitus slumber if you will. It was glorious.
I don't really remember how the trip to Corpus was the next day, but I know I wasn't tired on the drive there, or the return trip home. I also know that I had to buy her a new cell phone. At that as soon as I did, she used it to call me and ask me out. Come to find out she only came home with AssmunchWestTexasIFuckSheepForFun roommate because she had the hots for me. I politely declined, saying that while kicking her ass into a freezing swimming pool might be a great story to tell our kids one day, that I wasn't sure it was the best grounds upon which to start a relationship.
Turns out that I was probably right. And that she still hasn't forgiven me for it. But on a good note, I remembered something from 4 years ago, so maybe I don't drink too much after all!!!
Or maybe in a few years when I die, someone will say this about me:
Either way... I'm cool with it.
Later...
Wanna know how to scare your ex? - 2005-03-12
Maybe I am not the sickest person out there. - 2005-02-23
I'm out of my funk and I'm not talking about hygiene. - 2005-02-11
Ding Dong the Sports Season is Dead. - 2005-02-07
Wow, is this thing still on? - 2005-01-31
1:28 p.m. || 2004-07-20
